More than words on a page: I told you I would be there

"Thank God I didn't think you would come." Mark said

"When I broke up with you several months ago I told you that I would be there for you if ever truly needed me." I replied "But I never thought you would."

To see Mark in this hospital bed is not what I ever wanted for him no matter how angry I got or whatever I believed he has done to me. It is not right and it is not human.

"What happened Mark?" I asked

I waited for the truth but sick or sane I know that honestly would be a luxury not afforded to me. At least in Mark's eyes that is how he sees the truth. Whatever question I asked I know not to expect the respect of the truth.

Ohhhh... you know things happened here and there over and under. It is just the luck of the draw and my number was up.

That was Mark's answer to me. I have fucking traveled to be here with him, at his request, and I still can't get the love I so yearned for through the truth.

"I am going to ask you some straightforward questions Mark and I want some straightforward answers." I demanded "Why did you want me here? I thought you had everything under control with all the people that care about you. You don't need me."

I am waiting for him to answer but something is out of place. Something I can't put my finger on. It's like his mind and body is out of balance. He is not the same person I remember but it has only been a few months since I decided that leaving him was for my interests in getting my life together.

"I...I...I" He stuttered

He started to cry. Those are genuine tears from his eyes. I walked over to him. I held him. He obviously needs me or someone that cares about him at least. Where are all the people at who he had forsaken me for.

"Shhhhhh... It's going to be ok." I whispered

I rocked him back and forth. I had no idea if it really is going to be ok. I have doubts that everything before me that I see with my eyes is the truth. I want to believe whatever statement comes out of his mouth next. I told him that I would stand up for him if ever he fell down and I did that job the best of my ability for four years. I was laughed at for my trouble.

Now, here is a man I am not sure I out of love with holding on to me as if he needed more from me than I was able to give. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

Overwhelmed

I have no excuse, no words to express that overwhelming feeling which came over me.

I always thought that when push come to shove, when light comes to dark, I would have the strength to stand up for the ones I care for the most.

Sadly I must admit defeat because I failed my test miserably. The call was mine to answer and when asked for my compassion and help I folded because of anger and doubt.

I didn't know who to believe or what to do because as a man I was scarred and as a human being I was scared.

I did not want to be a fool again as I have played myself so many time in the past.

I wanted to believe that my presence was genuinely regarded and needed but so many flags were thrown in my face.

The truth comes at such a high price and something higher in existence decided that I have not paid enough of my dues to know what is really going on.

Why was there so much doubt in me? Where was the love I always thought I had the strength to present when came the time? Is there still much anger in me I choose not to handle?

The questions plague me but what has been cannot be undone. And I pray for forgiveness in the face living adversity.