Monday, October 22, 2012
"When I broke up with you several months ago I told you that I would be there for you if ever truly needed me." I replied "But I never thought you would."
To see Mark in this hospital bed is not what I ever wanted for him no matter how angry I got or whatever I believed he has done to me. It is not right and it is not human.
"What happened Mark?" I asked
I waited for the truth but sick or sane I know that honestly would be a luxury not afforded to me. At least in Mark's eyes that is how he sees the truth. Whatever question I asked I know not to expect the respect of the truth.
Ohhhh... you know things happened here and there over and under. It is just the luck of the draw and my number was up.
That was Mark's answer to me. I have fucking traveled to be here with him, at his request, and I still can't get the love I so yearned for through the truth.
"I am going to ask you some straightforward questions Mark and I want some straightforward answers." I demanded "Why did you want me here? I thought you had everything under control with all the people that care about you. You don't need me."
I am waiting for him to answer but something is out of place. Something I can't put my finger on. It's like his mind and body is out of balance. He is not the same person I remember but it has only been a few months since I decided that leaving him was for my interests in getting my life together.
"I...I...I" He stuttered
He started to cry. Those are genuine tears from his eyes. I walked over to him. I held him. He obviously needs me or someone that cares about him at least. Where are all the people at who he had forsaken me for.
"Shhhhhh... It's going to be ok." I whispered
I rocked him back and forth. I had no idea if it really is going to be ok. I have doubts that everything before me that I see with my eyes is the truth. I want to believe whatever statement comes out of his mouth next. I told him that I would stand up for him if ever he fell down and I did that job the best of my ability for four years. I was laughed at for my trouble.
Now, here is a man I am not sure I out of love with holding on to me as if he needed more from me than I was able to give. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
Friday, October 19, 2012
I always thought that when push come to shove, when light comes to dark, I would have the strength to stand up for the ones I care for the most.
Sadly I must admit defeat because I failed my test miserably. The call was mine to answer and when asked for my compassion and help I folded because of anger and doubt.
I didn't know who to believe or what to do because as a man I was scarred and as a human being I was scared.
I did not want to be a fool again as I have played myself so many time in the past.
I wanted to believe that my presence was genuinely regarded and needed but so many flags were thrown in my face.
The truth comes at such a high price and something higher in existence decided that I have not paid enough of my dues to know what is really going on.
Why was there so much doubt in me? Where was the love I always thought I had the strength to present when came the time? Is there still much anger in me I choose not to handle?
The questions plague me but what has been cannot be undone. And I pray for forgiveness in the face living adversity.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
I know not what I do so I call forth the power of the one who transcends knowledge, life and time
I have no shame in believing that one above me in divinity is more than my equal but something in spirit that is indescribable
I have not the words to tell you of my ignorance for it is the same lack of knowledge that allows me to turn to the most high
If my doubt in nothingness clearly makes me insane then my faith in faith accurately makes me balanced and whole
What word, what words what non-tempered words, what unfounded wisdom and ill-gotten verbs
Where is fancy bread in the heart or in the head or
is that line from somewhere I once read
Can I not use my own power to seek my own destiny
Is it not within my "analytical" right to to believe in
a higher being
Must I conform to what standards call correct
Do you mock the the being which no one has met
Hold, hold... I calm myself now
I have no clue why my emotions climbed and wound down
Maybe it has something to do with something I don't know
So I must call on the Creator to help me grow
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Why does he take pleasure in seeing me suffer from throwing up to being turned upside down.
Stop the pity or at least no time for pity.
Cheshire Bridge is not for the faint at heart. It is also not for the unclean, not washed and very hot.
I guess I will walk toward the direction away from the hotel though I have no where to go, no way of getting there and tired as hell. Complaining is not going to help my situation and sulking is not going to improve my chances of getting home.
What direction is that voice coming from or am I crazy as everyone believes me to be. I was crazy to think that I would have a fun time here because nobody wants to leave me to my own devices and vices.
"What are you up to Grant?" Brighton said
I almost knocked Brighton down when I hugged him. I was so glad to see him. Out of all the people that would help me I know that he would but hell I should have known better than that. In this hard knock situation everyone has a story and it's every man for themselves. Right now, from the looks of it, he has his own hell to deal with.
"I am just being stuck as hell and wanting to go home but damn if I need a shower." I said "Can you help me out?"
"I would love to but my friend said she just got raped." He said
I did not know what to say. He was very nonchalant when he said it. I looked to the side past Brighton and saw the policewomen take this lady by the hand or at least I think she is a woman. She might be a transgender. In this scene, in this world it is hard to tell. In this place of trying to survive the best way you know how and doing what you have to, you don't have time to judge.
People are people and for a moment my problems seemed so small. I forgot I was stuck in a place where everyone hates me. I forgot that my so-called love left me to die on the street. I forgot my pain when I saw this person who had been violated move up the ramp from the established whore house with the law by her side.
I followed Brighton back down the ramp hoping to get a glimpse of despair this woman must be feeling. I did not relish in the fact she was in pain because I can see the tears in her eyes. I don't know why I was looking so hard to the right. Maybe I wanted to see her story through the misery that she felt. To know that she is forever a part of my story and I am part of this nameless woman who feels nothing but pain.
I want so much to help her but I was not in a position to help myself. I almost wept for her but in the back of my mind, the thing I am really thinking is that the decisions we make are all equated to feel the result. You reap what you sow. I am not saying she deserves what happened to her but something tells me; just like I made the decision to be trapped distant from safety, this same woman made a choice that now I hope she can live with.
Friday, September 14, 2012
And all I am is messenger to thee for the divine link between I and the Gods that are we
And though it is not understood in the terms that I shriek that heavy voices of maelstrom weather is more than a voyager seeks
I find that words are clumsy, cumbersome and failing; I find that action are accurate driven and smooth seas sailing
I stumble over the moon to see the life next doom only to tell you to wait because the end maybe coming soon
No my love-struck one you are not in the field of daydreams but in the perpetual night of visions that all Gods see
I took apart the universe and sky to hurry my journey
to where Oberon flies
and Queen Mauve and Merlin and all points between
to where the heavens are set fire and the angel sway to
I move so so quickly that time is nothing to me
I wish I can slow to see the sun's flowing stream
But whether my feet is made swift on a driving gale
The gates of Gods ends my trail
So look upon me one last time to see my message
written in the net's sky
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Before my hands start the ardent task of writing this short story for all to enjoy I wanted to say thank you to the ones that critiqued my work earlier. Writing these reality novels is such an undertaking and arduous task. You have no clue what it takes to convey what is around one’s self without the so called blustering, learned formats and conditions. To let the mind flow free to unconditionally express the truth is the greatest gift one can give to the world. As a man I am nothing but as an ideal or a philosophy I become a God.
Now that introductions are out of the way I thought I’d use this moment for all of us to learn if you don’t mind. You see I have a writing style misunderstood and you are the so called experts in your field. I thought I would ask for your help. I thought maybe I can express reality using your topic and my structure of conveyance. The reason I do it in this manner is to show you that even the most simple and basic of unconditional writing can be the most powerful weapon you’ve ever known. Also you just happened to choose a subject I am most familiar with. What a goose. So let’s gets started I only have, at this point exactly, seven-hundred and sixty-two words left.
Psychopathy is the subject of our challenge this time around and you wish us to look at these pictures to write fiction about something most people have no personal experience about. I can see the rational logic in that. You want so called normal people to step in the shoes of a psychopath or if possible see through the eyes of a betrayed mind.
The only problem with that request is that I don’t feel betrayed. I feel free. I believe it is your mind that is limited and small. All you see is your teachings and lessons. You can’t see the real life in a great piece of literature. Please don’t take that personally it just an observation. How about I make you a deal? I will do my best to fulfill your request and you remember that this time I separated my paragraphs.
If you were in the room with me right now you would see me smirking and giggling. In fact the reality is if you were in my room with me right now I would have already observed you inside and out. I would analyze and remember every piece of clothing, every micro-expression, every strand of hair even how you clear your throat and glance to the right to make sure you were close enough to the door just in case you needed to leave suddenly. Funny how people make wishes and when their wish is granted they are not happy with the outcome. It reminds me of an evil Jin. Your wish was granted but it came at a price.
Four-hundred and ninety-three words to go I better get to the point. Try and let your limited perception see me in a totally dark room twelve feet by twelve feet. Yes it has to be a square. I can’t stand rectangles. They’re not even. I am circling around a chair around and around. There in that chair is Michael. A sigh comes over me “Michael can you hear me baby. You know I love you.” Did I mention that his name is not Michael? To you he is just a faceless shape that you are trying to recognize in the blackness but to me he is my love, my angel and my beast.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I feel so deep in love. I needed him to protect me, to guide me, to show me things that no one ever wanted to. He accepted me as I am. He wanted to share my twelve by twelve universe and saw the same vision I did. I did everything he wanted me to. The word “no” did not come out of my mouth when he requested an answer. In my world I felt he was perfect.
Of course there is no such thing as perfect. I am sure that even with your limited mind you can understand perfect is a true delusion. So I traded one fantasy for another. I tried to become his perfect illusion. In the end when I needed him the most he allowed me to be raped by I believe twenty nameless faces while in the dark, tied up, screaming for his name to come rescue me but he never came.
It was all a sick game. He laughed when I told him what happened. “Yes baby and I enjoyed it very much.” That is what he said to me as I was wiping the blood from my legs and hoping to get a ounce of empathy from the man I love. It never came. At that point I became misunderstood. I wise man once told me that “There is no such thing as crazy just misunderstood” and at that point I became the most misunderstood person on the planet.
So now in the darkness you do not see the tears roll from my eyes and you understand now why it is dark. I do not need eyes to see Michael’s face. I do not need my senses to know when he is near me. I keep him close to me always.
You feel a breeze come from somewhere in the room but there are no windows so it couldn’t be the wind. It was my arm moving the blade in my hand fast enough to pierce Michael’s heart. Did I mention this was not Michael in the chair? I might have missed. Normally I wouldn’t have an audience when I am reminiscing about my lovely demons.
So do you now understand? Look at that I wrote exactly one thousand words. I told you I like things even.
Finally after journeying so far and for so many days I have reached The Gate of Trees. My blessed sister would not steer me wrong. I almost feel contentment at such a reward but I have no time for such emotions. Though her power rivals mine and her knowledge surpasses me I know she cannot hold out long against Mandalock’s forces. After the Sword of Loradorn was lost to me in battle she sent me here to find the Keeper of the Gate and so that I may enter into the Forest of Sanrue to find great power.
I filled my body with all the breath I could hold and screamed “Keeper of the Gate please give me occasion! I need your help!”
The forest was quiet and only echoes of my voice filled the distant sounds of the forest.
I yelled again “Please Keeper of the Gate I have not much time! My kingdom is in peril!”
This time there is no echo and the forest became gravely quiet. It is as if the trees soaked in the vibrations of the air itself. I stood still and did not take a breath hoping that this mystical figure would show his true form as Geneva had told me.
A voice from behind startled me “Well young man if you yell any louder you will wake the dead. You have already scared away the game.”
“I apologize old one. I did not mean to disturb the forest. I am in search for The Keeper of the Gate to The Forest Sanrue. Do you know of him?”
“Keeper of the Gate you say. I have not heard that name in a long time.”
The old one’s burden seemed heavy on his back as he moaned and put today’s catch on the ground.
“Where is my manners, where is manners. My name is Perrymen Reader of the Leaves. You shall join me for dinner."
I asked the old one if he needed any assistance but he would not hear of it. With a wave of his hand some type of magical door opened in the grand oak on the right side of the gate. I followed him as he hurried into the mystical waves.
“Please forgive me young one. I do not have many visitors. I will prepare us a meal and that will give you time to rest. During dinner I shall answer your questions”
A few hours had passed and from the small catch of the forest a grand feast was prepared. I took a bite of the meat he set before me and it was tender and delicious as if the forest gave him the recipe itself.
I took a sip of wine from my goblet and spoke “Perrymen this is a fantastic meal. I have not eaten such fine food in quite a while. Thank you.”
“You are quite welcome young one. So now you say that you are looking for the keeper of this gate? Why do you seek to venture into this forest Varion.”
I was amazed that he knew my name. I had not said it yet
“Yes young one. I know your name. You are King Varion, Lord of the Kingdom of Lyndal, wielder of the Sword of Loradon and now guest in the home of an old man.”
I could not grasp the words to express my amazement of his powers. He must know who the Keeper of the Gate is
“If you know this already Perryman then you must know why I am here.”
“You are here young one as many before you. You have come to seek the power in the Forest of Sanrue and you need someone to open the gate for you. Before you say yes young one let me ask you a question. Do you have happiness in your heart?
I found myself gasping for air as I chocked on my wine - - such an odd question to ask at an unusual time.
“I take you choking and not answering as a no. There is a very good reason I ask this question young one. Eat while I tell you an ancient story about the Village of Sanrue.
“Sanrue is a word that comes from a very old dialect long dead. The word Sanrue means village in the middle of the forest. The people of Sanrue were happy and their lives were content. The elders of Sanrue were very powerful and at a time none dared to challenge them. With all this power the people of Sanrue believed in harmony and friendship with all things around them even between flora and fauna. There was no need to attack a place that wanted peace for everyone. I remember a verse from a song the minstrels would sing. “Joy in one’s heart is always seen through the smile of the sun and the trees in the spring.”
I looked at the old one’s face light up and his eyes dance to the song his heart.
“For thousands of years Sanrue was the keeper of peace until a great darkness swept across the land. This darkness killed everything in his path and had no bounds. Ambition knows no father and destruction saves no lives. When this darkness came to the forest the trees felt something it never known before. It felt wickedness, hate, evil and war. It was almost as if the tree were human themselves.
“When the destruction reached the Sanrue Village the people did not fight back. They had the power but they knew not the ways of war. Mandalock’s army took seize of the elders before they could gather their great power.
I stood up in horror in mid sentence of him speaking “Mandalock!! Did you say Mandalock?”
“Yes young one. I know of your struggle against Mandalock’s army and what is at stake. Before Mandalock took control of the village the elders hid their great power and told the secret only to the trees.