More than words on a page: Courage in the truth

Now that I have nothing but time on my hands, I sit and think a lot about the past and what has been. Whoever said that you can't change the past is inevitably and undoubtedly right. What has already been can never be changed and why would you want to. I have no reason to change the past that make up the person I am because, I guess the best way to put it; I could end up worse than what I am now. Not to say there is anything wrong with who or what I am, but after the last encounter with Mark, thoughts are the treasured value that guides me through a sea of trees because it is damn sure hard for me to see the world for the beauty that it has.

I am scanning my memories trying to remember a time when things in my life were a little more pure, a little more simple and a little bit happier. I remember this guy who's name seems to elude me for some reason but his face is still in my mind. His face was white, slender, a little pale, his lips were thin and his eyes were sad. God, I have not even thought about him in fifteen years or so. I still remember how we met. 

Back then, before Adam4Adam and BBRT, everybody went on Gay.com. I was just discovering what the internet was for. Coming into the knowledge of my sexuality I wanted to find others that wanted the same thing I wanted. Being that young I discovered that sex was a main objective but through that particular experience with this guy, I discovered lots more. We only met one time in a Waffle House. He was scared to meet but truly wanted to go through the trouble of talking with me. When I talked to him online I got the feeling he was someone that can understand what I was looking for, that is why I decide to meet him. 

I got to the Waffle House first. I wanted to be sure I got a window seat so I can see him coming from a mile away. He called me on the cell phone to see if I was already there and of course I told him where I was sitting. We had our greeting and he ordered a tea. I had orange juice. Isn't funny what one can remember. His name escapes me but I can remember what he had to drink. I did find him attractive and I wanted to have sex with him. I remember that even more. He wasn't in the mood. He said that he had cancer. He was feeling the complications of the medicines and treatments that he had been living through. 

There was hardly no silence between us during our mini-adventure together. We talked for several hours, though I can't recall what we joked and laughed about. Out of all the minutes we spent together, I don't regret not having sex with him because he gave me something more special than I could ask for. He gave me the truth. After I made some joke he looked deep in my eyes and held my hand. 

He said, "Grant remember when I told you that I did not want to play because I had cancer?"

"Of course I remember," I acknowledged.

"Well, I don't have cancer. I have AIDS," He whispered to me.

I remember telling him that I was educated and not afraid as some others would be. That's when he admitted his fear to me. He didn't want to be judged and I was in no position to judge him. In fact being wiser and a little more worldly, I now understand he should be praised. He gave me the thing that money can't buy and quick gratification can't hold a candle too. He showed me what I was looking for in my nature and in other people. He confirmed all that a eighteen year old boy should believe. That truth comes with a price that he was glad to pay because he was looking out for me. He did not want anything to happen to me and that action was truly unconditional.