More than words on a page: I told you I would be there

"Thank God I didn't think you would come." Mark said

"When I broke up with you several months ago I told you that I would be there for you if ever truly needed me." I replied "But I never thought you would."

To see Mark in this hospital bed is not what I ever wanted for him no matter how angry I got or whatever I believed he has done to me. It is not right and it is not human.

"What happened Mark?" I asked

I waited for the truth but sick or sane I know that honestly would be a luxury not afforded to me. At least in Mark's eyes that is how he sees the truth. Whatever question I asked I know not to expect the respect of the truth.

Ohhhh... you know things happened here and there over and under. It is just the luck of the draw and my number was up.

That was Mark's answer to me. I have fucking traveled to be here with him, at his request, and I still can't get the love I so yearned for through the truth.

"I am going to ask you some straightforward questions Mark and I want some straightforward answers." I demanded "Why did you want me here? I thought you had everything under control with all the people that care about you. You don't need me."

I am waiting for him to answer but something is out of place. Something I can't put my finger on. It's like his mind and body is out of balance. He is not the same person I remember but it has only been a few months since I decided that leaving him was for my interests in getting my life together.

"I...I...I" He stuttered

He started to cry. Those are genuine tears from his eyes. I walked over to him. I held him. He obviously needs me or someone that cares about him at least. Where are all the people at who he had forsaken me for.

"Shhhhhh... It's going to be ok." I whispered

I rocked him back and forth. I had no idea if it really is going to be ok. I have doubts that everything before me that I see with my eyes is the truth. I want to believe whatever statement comes out of his mouth next. I told him that I would stand up for him if ever he fell down and I did that job the best of my ability for four years. I was laughed at for my trouble.

Now, here is a man I am not sure I out of love with holding on to me as if he needed more from me than I was able to give. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

Overwhelmed

I have no excuse, no words to express that overwhelming feeling which came over me.

I always thought that when push come to shove, when light comes to dark, I would have the strength to stand up for the ones I care for the most.

Sadly I must admit defeat because I failed my test miserably. The call was mine to answer and when asked for my compassion and help I folded because of anger and doubt.

I didn't know who to believe or what to do because as a man I was scarred and as a human being I was scared.

I did not want to be a fool again as I have played myself so many time in the past.

I wanted to believe that my presence was genuinely regarded and needed but so many flags were thrown in my face.

The truth comes at such a high price and something higher in existence decided that I have not paid enough of my dues to know what is really going on.

Why was there so much doubt in me? Where was the love I always thought I had the strength to present when came the time? Is there still much anger in me I choose not to handle?

The questions plague me but what has been cannot be undone. And I pray for forgiveness in the face living adversity.

Proof through ignorance

I am comforted in the fact that I know not everything and satisfied the Creator Of All holds all beings

I know not what I do so I call forth the power of the one who transcends knowledge, life and time

I have no shame in believing that one above me in divinity is more than my equal but something in spirit that is indescribable

I have not the words to tell you of my ignorance for it is the same lack of knowledge that allows me to turn to the most high

If my doubt in nothingness clearly makes me insane then my faith in faith accurately makes me balanced and whole

What word, what words what non-tempered words, what unfounded wisdom and ill-gotten verbs


Where is fancy bread in the heart or in the head or
is that line from somewhere I once read

Can I not use my own power to seek my own destiny
Is it not within my "analytical" right to to believe in
a higher being

Must I conform to what standards call correct
Do you mock the the being which no one has met

Hold, hold... I calm myself now
I have no clue why my emotions climbed and wound down

Maybe it has something to do with something I don't know
So I must call on the Creator to help me grow

More than words on a page: Not only my story to tell

What do I do? Here I am back in a situation I told myself I would never be in again. Mark has again left to pursue whatever sin he feels and I have spent every dime I had which I take was the plan.

Why does he take pleasure in seeing me suffer from throwing up to being turned upside down.

Stop the pity or at least no time for pity. 

Cheshire Bridge is not for the faint at heart. It is also not for the unclean, not washed and very hot.

I guess I will walk toward the direction away from the hotel though I have no where to go, no way of getting there and tired as hell. Complaining is not going to help my situation and sulking is not going to improve my chances of getting home.

HEY!!

What direction is that voice coming from or am I crazy as everyone believes me to be. I was crazy to think that I would have a fun time here because nobody wants to leave me to my own devices and vices.

"What are you up to Grant?" Brighton said

I almost knocked Brighton down when I hugged him. I was so glad to see him. Out of all the people that would help me I know that he would but hell I should have known better than that. In this hard knock situation everyone has a story and it's every man for themselves. Right now, from the looks of it, he has his own hell to deal with.

"I am just being stuck as hell and wanting to go home but damn if I need a shower." I said "Can you help me out?"

"I would love to but my friend said she just got raped." He said

I did not know what to say. He was very nonchalant when he said it. I looked to the side past Brighton and saw the policewomen take this lady by the hand or at least I think she is a woman. She might be a transgender. In this scene, in this world it is hard to tell. In this place of trying to survive the best way you know how and doing what you have to,  you don't have time to judge.

People are people and for a moment my problems seemed so small. I forgot I was stuck in a place where everyone hates me. I forgot that my so-called love left me to die on the street. I forgot my pain when I saw this person who had been violated move up the ramp from the established whore house with the law by her side.

I followed Brighton back down the ramp hoping to get a glimpse of despair this woman must be feeling. I did not relish in the fact she was in pain because I can see the tears in her eyes. I don't know why I was looking so hard to the right. Maybe I wanted to see her story through the misery that she felt. To know that she is forever a part of my story and I am part of this nameless woman who feels nothing but pain.

I want so much to help her but I was not in a position to help myself. I almost wept for her but in the back of my mind, the thing I am really thinking is that the decisions we make are all equated to feel the result. You reap what you sow. I am not saying she deserves what happened to her but something tells me; just like I made the decision to be trapped distant from safety, this same woman made a choice that now I hope she can live with.

Envoy of Gods

My woozy head and eyes of mountain 'peeks' are overcome with wisdom words of Gods that speak

And all I am is messenger to thee for the divine link between I and the Gods that are we

And though it is not understood in the terms that I shriek that heavy voices of maelstrom weather is more than a voyager seeks

I find that words are clumsy, cumbersome and failing; I find that action are accurate driven and smooth seas sailing

I stumble over the moon to see the life next doom only to tell you to wait because the end maybe coming soon

No my love-struck one you are not in the field of daydreams but in the perpetual night of visions that all Gods see

I took apart the universe and sky to hurry my journey
to where Oberon flies

and Queen Mauve and Merlin and all points between
to where the heavens are set fire and the angel sway to
aura's gleam

I move so so quickly that time is nothing to me
I wish I can slow to see the sun's flowing stream

But whether my feet is made swift on a driving gale
The gates of Gods ends my trail

So look upon me one last time to see my message
written in the net's sky

THANK YOU

 Before my hands start the ardent task of writing this short story for all to enjoy I wanted to say thank you to the ones that critiqued my work earlier.  Writing these reality novels is such an undertaking and arduous task.  You have no clue what it takes to convey what is around one’s self without the so called blustering, learned formats and conditions. To let the mind flow free to unconditionally express the truth is the greatest gift one can give to the world. As a man I am nothing but as an ideal or a philosophy I become a God. 

         Now that introductions are out of the way I thought I’d use this moment for all of us to learn if you don’t mind. You see I have a writing style misunderstood and you are the so called experts in your field.  I thought I would ask for your help.   I thought maybe I can express reality using your topic and my structure of conveyance.  The reason I do it in this manner is to show you that even the most simple and basic of unconditional writing can be the most powerful weapon you’ve ever known. Also you just happened to choose a subject I am most familiar with. What a goose. So let’s gets started I only have, at this point exactly, seven-hundred and sixty-two words left.

          Psychopathy is the subject of our challenge this time around and you wish us to look at these pictures to write fiction about something most people have no personal experience about.  I can see the rational logic in that.  You want so called normal people to step in the shoes of a psychopath or if possible see through the eyes of a betrayed mind. 

          The only problem with that request is that I don’t feel betrayed.  I feel free. I believe it is your mind that is limited and small.  All you see is your teachings and lessons.  You can’t see the real life in a great piece of literature.  Please don’t take that personally it just an observation.  How about I make you a deal?  I will do my best to fulfill your request and you remember that this time I separated my paragraphs.

          If you were in the room with me right now you would see me smirking and giggling.  In fact the reality is if you were in my room with me right now I would have already observed you inside and out. I would analyze and remember every piece of clothing, every micro-expression, every strand of hair even how you clear your throat and glance to the right to make sure you were close enough to the door just in case you needed to leave suddenly.  Funny how people make wishes and when their wish is granted they are not happy with the outcome.  It reminds me of an evil Jin.  Your wish was granted but it came at a price.

          Four-hundred and ninety-three words to go I better get to the point. Try and let your limited perception see me in a totally dark room twelve feet by twelve feet.  Yes it has to be a square.  I can’t stand rectangles.  They’re not even. I am circling around a chair around and around.  There in that chair is Michael.  A sigh comes over me “Michael can you hear me baby.  You know I love you.”  Did I mention that his name is not Michael?  To you he is just a faceless shape that you are trying to recognize in the blackness but to me he is my love, my angel and my beast.

          I remember it like it was yesterday.  I feel so deep in love.  I needed him to protect me, to guide me, to show me things that no one ever wanted to.  He accepted me as I am.  He wanted to share my twelve by twelve universe and saw the same vision I did. I did everything he wanted me to.  The word “no” did not come out of my mouth when he requested an answer. In my world I felt he was perfect.

          Of course there is no such thing as perfect.  I am sure that even with your limited mind you can understand perfect is a true delusion.  So I traded one fantasy for another.  I tried to become his perfect illusion.  In the end when I needed him the most he allowed me to be raped by I believe twenty nameless faces while in the dark, tied up, screaming for his name to come rescue me but he never came.

It was all a sick game.  He laughed when I told him what happened. “Yes baby and I enjoyed it very much.” That is what he said to me as I was wiping the blood from my legs and hoping to get a ounce of empathy from the man I love.  It never came.  At that point I became misunderstood. I wise man once told me that “There is no such thing as crazy just misunderstood” and at that point I became the most misunderstood person on the planet.

          So now in the darkness you do not see the tears roll from my eyes and you understand now why it is dark.  I do not need eyes to see Michael’s face.  I do not need my senses to know when he is near me.  I keep him close to me always. 

          You feel a breeze come from somewhere in the room but there are no windows so it couldn’t be the wind.  It was my arm moving the blade in my hand fast enough to pierce Michael’s heart.  Did I mention this was not Michael in the chair? I might have missed. Normally I wouldn’t have an audience when I am reminiscing about my lovely demons.

          So do you now understand?  Look at that I wrote exactly one thousand words. I told you I like things even.

POWER OF LYNDAL- Forest of Sanrue

       Finally after journeying so far and for so many days I have reached The Gate of Trees. My blessed sister would not steer me wrong. I almost feel contentment at such a reward but I have no time for such emotions. Though her power rivals mine and her knowledge surpasses me I know she cannot hold out long against Mandalock’s forces.  After the Sword of Loradorn was lost to me in battle she sent me here to find the Keeper of the Gate and so that I may enter into the Forest of Sanrue to find great power.

          I filled my body with all the breath I could hold and screamed “Keeper of the Gate please give me occasion!  I need your help!”

          The forest was quiet and only echoes of my voice filled the distant sounds of the forest. 

          I yelled again “Please Keeper of the Gate I have not much time!  My kingdom is in peril!”

          This time there is no echo and the forest became gravely quiet. It is as if the trees soaked in the vibrations of the air itself. I stood still and did not take a breath hoping that this mystical figure would show his true form as Geneva had told me.

          A voice from behind startled me “Well young man if you yell any louder you will wake the dead.  You have already scared away the game.”

          “I apologize old one. I did not mean to disturb the forest.  I am in search for The Keeper of the Gate to The Forest Sanrue.  Do you know of him?”

          “Keeper of the Gate you say. I have not heard that name in a long time.”

          The old one’s burden seemed heavy on his back as he moaned and put today’s catch on the ground.

          “Where is my manners, where is manners.  My name is Perrymen Reader of the Leaves. You shall join me for dinner."

          I asked the old one if he needed any assistance but he would not hear of it.  With a wave of his hand some type of magical door opened in the grand oak on the right side of the gate.  I followed him as he hurried into the mystical waves.

          “Please forgive me young one.  I do not have many visitors.  I will prepare us a meal and that will give you time to rest.  During dinner I shall answer your questions”

          A few hours had passed and from the small catch of the forest a grand feast was prepared.  I took a bite of the meat he set before me and it was tender and delicious as if the forest gave him the recipe itself.

          I took a sip of wine from my goblet and spoke “Perrymen this is a fantastic meal. I have not eaten such fine food in quite a while.  Thank you.”

          “You are quite welcome young one.  So now you say that you are looking for the keeper of this gate?  Why do you seek to venture into this forest Varion.”

          I was amazed that he knew my name.  I had not said it yet

          “Yes young one. I know your name.  You are King Varion, Lord of the Kingdom of Lyndal, wielder of the Sword of Loradon and now guest in the home of an old man.”

          I could not grasp the words to express my amazement of his powers.  He must know who the Keeper of the Gate is

          “If you know this already Perryman then you must know why I am here.”

          “You are here young one as many before you. You have come to seek the power in the Forest of Sanrue and you need someone to open the gate for you. Before you say yes young one let me ask you a question. Do you have happiness in your heart?

          I found myself gasping for air as I chocked on my wine - - such an odd question to ask at an unusual time.

          “I take you choking and not answering as a no. There is a very good reason I ask this question young one. Eat while I tell you an ancient story about the Village of Sanrue.

          “Sanrue is a word that comes from a very old dialect long dead. The word Sanrue means village in the middle of the forest.  The people of Sanrue were happy and their lives were content. The elders of Sanrue were very powerful and at a time none dared to challenge them.  With all this power the people of Sanrue believed in harmony and friendship with all things around them even between flora and fauna. There was no need to attack a place that wanted peace for everyone. I remember a verse from a song the minstrels  would sing. “Joy in one’s heart is always seen through the smile of the sun and the trees in the spring.”

          I looked at the old one’s face light up and his eyes dance to the song his heart.

          “For thousands of years Sanrue was the keeper of peace until a great darkness swept across the land. This darkness killed everything in his path and had no bounds.  Ambition knows no father and destruction saves no lives. When this darkness came to the forest the trees felt something it never known before.  It felt wickedness, hate, evil and war. It was almost as if the tree were human themselves.

          “When the destruction reached the Sanrue Village the people did not fight back. They had the power but they knew not the ways of war. Mandalock’s army took seize of the elders before they could gather their great power.

          I stood up in horror in mid sentence of him speaking “Mandalock!!  Did you say Mandalock?”

          “Yes young one. I know of your struggle against Mandalock’s army and what is at stake. Before Mandalock took control of the village the elders hid their great power and told the secret only to the trees.

Click the X

Now I am  not one to sit and wait for people to come and give me hate

I shrug it off and allow jealousy to be because the message I give is more powerful than me

I bring the message of unity and hope which gives new reason for the oppressed to cope

The gay community my family my dream also the one trying to kill my self-esteem

It seems a division is always in place and everybody's in competition like some sort of race



And nice guys finish last and cheater sometimes win
but was the victory worth your soul costing sin

And was it worth the hole you put the community in
just to try and hate on a friend

Whether or not you believe this mentality
that we are stronger a unit being a content family

It may be hard to see me as a brother
if you can't feel the energy in blood of one another

But whether you believe we are as one
is proven in the the issues passed from father to son

You hate on me and I take that hate
I push it into the atmosphere
Praying for it to obliterate

But if comes back to Earth
I will be ready
To take that hate and stir my course steady

So whatever you believe
that made you hate me
I will gladly take to set you free

More than words on a page: Danger by the roadside II

I have to wait a moment. I have to make sure that thug did not see me. No telling what he was throwing in that dumpster but whatever it is or whoever it was; is irrelevant at this point. He just seemed very angry when he stomped away. That is rage I can't afford to deal with.

Looking to my right and my left I see no one. I am crouching so low to the ground I could swear I am under the belly of the beast. I am definitely sweating like some sort of animal.

I am constantly looking back and forth, back and forth hoping that no trouble will come my way when I make my move. I am steady looking for that same Acura. The one that thug was driving when he said he was going to kill me. If I stay in this corner any longer I am going to be spotted. Now is the time to make my move.

I climbed out of my refuge and scurried low to the edge of the parking lot. I went behind the dumpster and there is apart of me that wants to look inside to see what that punk threw in the garbage but I have no time to waste.

I crouched down behind the dumpster still keeping a watchful eye in all directions for anything that comes. It will only take a short moment to catch my breath. Before I knew it, I dashed to the edge of hill and jumped down the side. The rocks slowed my slide down the slope. It will only take another moment to  pass until I make my way up the small hill to the actual tracks. Good, nobody sees me.

I climbed over the tracks to the other side of the hill which is steep as fuck. I don't know how I am going to make it down such an embankment. I have to sit and catch my breath again.

Ouch...What the hell is that

Stickers and thorns all over the hill.They cover the whole hill all the way down. How in the fuck am I going to make my way through this thorny brush with no shirt on and shorts. I found the strongest stick I could wield to help me guide my way down.  I sat low to the ground and use my huge feet to pat the thorn bushes down in front of me to make a path.

What was that...I hear voices

No time to think about it. I just got to do it and hope for the best. I took it few feet at a time. I stomped my feet to smash down the thorns and used the stick to guide my steps down. I counted the seconds as I went down the hill hoping that I am far enough into the bush that nobody sees me. Further and further into the thick thorny bush I descended. Even with all my precaution and efforts I am still getting cut over and over on my arms and legs.

There is a point where the hill is too steep. I can't make it without standing up but that means someone might see me from the parking-lot of this complex I am trying to get to. I have to chance it. I am almost to the bottom of the hill. I can jump down and lay low for a moment. I then can climb over the wall and cross the parking-lot to the street. It is getting dark so I don't think someone would put that much effort into noticing me.

I went as far as I could down.

Here I go. 1, 2, 3 Jump

I can't believe I made it with both feet planting the dismount. I fucking could have broke my leg from that height, scared as I fucking am.

Calm yourself and duck down. Stop being a damn target

I crouched low to the wall and caught my breath again. I am ready to move. All I have to do is cross this fucking parking-lot and I am home free. I peeked over the wall just to see if anyone is in vicinity. I don't see anyone so I am going for it.

I jumped over like a jack rabbit and I hurried to the middle building in the lot. I am sure I look suspect as hell with no shirt on coming from fucking nowhere like a some sort of magician. What would I say if security stops me. Hell, what the fuck will I tell police if they see me with no shirt on. How will I get back home I have no money. This is too much even for me to deal with and all the while I am sure Kent and Mark is enjoying the show.

The pain of James

A letter is far from the correct venue to express the pain and hurt to cause a relationship to discontinue

A feeling I will never truly understand because I have the support of my family to help make me a man

But to see everyday the sight of a letter to stay away is not only unrest but puts my salvation to a test

Father I beg you to reconsider I will say this for James because father you are too hateful and bitter

And James is just a boy a child you raised so that he would know love's joy




But scarred and scared the man that is devastated for being his own man

Punished by you, berated by you, scolded by you.... alone by you

What you considered through is not a passing moment
The relationship you want over
Is no path towards atonement

And a deathbed empty is better than being absent
And a father loves ready is more than transient

So if how you feel is five years real
Then make year six a year of faith appeals

Because.. if the God you speak of is so righteous
He will not allow you treat James so vicious

And I pray that new roots come from a tree
Deep in the heart of an unconditional gay family .

Jane Doe, I know

Jane Doe, I know that you are not some expendable hoe
found lying dead in the gutter
You are person once living that someone knew better

Jane Doe, I know that someone horribly took your life
and now your pain is something we must transcend

Jane Doe, I know that these sketches and pictures don't do you justice but until we find who you belong too allow us this one indulgence

Jane Doe, I know that you are not at peace,
How can you rest when the one who took your life is still amiss

Jane Doe, I know that you are sad
Mad... you can't be blamed
Right now death cannot hide your pain

Jane Doe, I know I am confused at this time
Don't know where to begin
Please give me a sign

Jane Doe, I know there is no time to waste
But your family has not said anything
You have to keep the faith

Jane Doe, I know that words are little next to much
But my heart is breaking
Something you have surely touched

So Jane Doe, know that we will do our best
To find what happened
To put your soul to rest

Love transaction

As I sit here sifting through the memories in my mind
Hoping that the love I had was something worth to find

Knowing its value was unconditional to me
Realizing the product's condition is worse than it could be

Seeing with blinders what was real
That I paid for something that someone would steal

Telling myself why waist my time
When I look at a person
I should have never towed a line



A transaction done not worth the effort
A gift is given
You don't pay for a present

I knew a long time ago what to expect
I guess that is why they call a fool a person who regrets

A lie is worth a million dollars
The is true is worth a million hollers
And a debt is something you can't pay
When you been bled by love's expensive stay

I've been told love comes at a price
It can steal your soul like a thief in the night

And all the shit about love that fits
I believe it to be true if one can admit

Where pain is the real price for love
A transaction not always from heaven above

What is the harm my love

Enclosed in the pure sight of two that need no clothes is the vision of someone that brings ease to the eyes of night

I summoned him like a evil Jin from the lamp of Aladdin with the hope that he would grant me a wish

One wish of true love that is beautiful meaning boundless as the nebula moves from end of the universe to the other,

As Apollo moves the sun from east to west
and back again so did I ask such a divine request

What is the harm in wanting the love that finally found you

What is the harm in wanting that love to finally be true

What is the harm in being whatever you can so
that the love will not harm you in destiny's plan

I see no reason for love to treat me in any other way 
but only something divine can stop one of its own

Only a dream can stop a dream and only wish
can alter a wish

Only anger can stop love and only truth can
cease all

So I ask my Jin one last time to not harm the
one that wanted to see him happy and free
and to grant the wish he promised to me

More than words on a page :Truth of perception

My  fear is something that I did not want to admit too because for once in my so-called unique life I wanted to believe in new beginnings and possibilities. I wanted to believe in the person that I met four years ago and wanted to believe that Mark wanted the same thing that I wanted from the same honest altruistic point.

What a fucking surprise that my silver lining and grey clouds were created and adorned from the same yearning and wanting to be with him. The conflicts that we endured now seem comical as I look at him sleeping next to me but in no way are they irrelevant and in no way can anyone understand the person he is.

There are doubts within me about the person that he says he is but the only question I can relay to anyone asking about Mark is; Do you really know him?  I know the person that fed me when I had nothing to eat and put a roof over my head when I could not help financially. I know the person that bought my shoes when I wore a hole to soles of my feet. I am not blinded by lust or maneuvered  by caution to protect the person that he is..  I am overshadowed in lies and confusion.

I know the Mark that rescued eight people  As much as I felt hurt and taken for a fool and played for a sucker don't anyone ever think that the experiences that I went through with this man was  not needed, enlightening and life-changing.

I was not even sure I wanted to see him again because of the fear of conflict inside of my spirit that I did not want to admit too.  I have felt all capabilities of what this man is and through him I finally reached a point of being more real and myself than I have ever been.

20th July Creation

The 20th July a day of creation
Energy of life is God's radiation


And moving through a vessel of flesh
That no one dares to care about next

Suddenly eyes have been awakened
To find a life 35-years forsaken

Misguided a fool and used as a tool
But no one understands why life is so cruel

So we sit and laugh, hoping the pain
Will subside for one day, a day of endless rain





And there are no falling stars, no wishing well
Just a day of pure isolated concentrated hell

Funny how a day that wants to be forgotten
A day of creation can seem so rotten

Alone...stuck.. under a rock
To sit in the dark and watch the clock

A natural force that passed so slow
Is now fast unwinding to life's painful show

So one more year in one more day
So on more life can pass way

Gay Power

I sit in my room, my ears in tune
The march of a gay revolution will be coming soon

My heart has no fear, my gay family is near
And we will win this fight on this globe Earth sphere

Beware our power, we stand with might
Ready to die in the battle we fight

And no cause is greater than the goal of freedom
The right to be protected in this United States kingdom

Democracy, capitalism Republican buffoonery
Fuckery, crazy Odyssey, immense dipshitery



Do you expect me to stay in the darkness of the closet
When I hear the dawn of a revolution is upon us

I'll do my part and stand my ground
And no Zimmermans will kill a black man this time around

Which means, give me liberty or death
No justice for gay people means no justice left

Or we will bring down the house like the 5th of November
Read your history if you want to remember

So all gay people, men and women
reading these words
Stand up, be seen, let your voice be heard

Because silence today will not set us free
Inequality is a lock and action is a key

More than words on a page: Courage in the truth

Now that I have nothing but time on my hands, I sit and think a lot about the past and what has been. Whoever said that you can't change the past is inevitably and undoubtedly right. What has already been can never be changed and why would you want to. I have no reason to change the past that make up the person I am because, I guess the best way to put it; I could end up worse than what I am now. Not to say there is anything wrong with who or what I am, but after the last encounter with Mark, thoughts are the treasured value that guides me through a sea of trees because it is damn sure hard for me to see the world for the beauty that it has.

I am scanning my memories trying to remember a time when things in my life were a little more pure, a little more simple and a little bit happier. I remember this guy who's name seems to elude me for some reason but his face is still in my mind. His face was white, slender, a little pale, his lips were thin and his eyes were sad. God, I have not even thought about him in fifteen years or so. I still remember how we met. 

Back then, before Adam4Adam and BBRT, everybody went on Gay.com. I was just discovering what the internet was for. Coming into the knowledge of my sexuality I wanted to find others that wanted the same thing I wanted. Being that young I discovered that sex was a main objective but through that particular experience with this guy, I discovered lots more. We only met one time in a Waffle House. He was scared to meet but truly wanted to go through the trouble of talking with me. When I talked to him online I got the feeling he was someone that can understand what I was looking for, that is why I decide to meet him. 

I got to the Waffle House first. I wanted to be sure I got a window seat so I can see him coming from a mile away. He called me on the cell phone to see if I was already there and of course I told him where I was sitting. We had our greeting and he ordered a tea. I had orange juice. Isn't funny what one can remember. His name escapes me but I can remember what he had to drink. I did find him attractive and I wanted to have sex with him. I remember that even more. He wasn't in the mood. He said that he had cancer. He was feeling the complications of the medicines and treatments that he had been living through. 

There was hardly no silence between us during our mini-adventure together. We talked for several hours, though I can't recall what we joked and laughed about. Out of all the minutes we spent together, I don't regret not having sex with him because he gave me something more special than I could ask for. He gave me the truth. After I made some joke he looked deep in my eyes and held my hand. 

He said, "Grant remember when I told you that I did not want to play because I had cancer?"

"Of course I remember," I acknowledged.

"Well, I don't have cancer. I have AIDS," He whispered to me.

I remember telling him that I was educated and not afraid as some others would be. That's when he admitted his fear to me. He didn't want to be judged and I was in no position to judge him. In fact being wiser and a little more worldly, I now understand he should be praised. He gave me the thing that money can't buy and quick gratification can't hold a candle too. He showed me what I was looking for in my nature and in other people. He confirmed all that a eighteen year old boy should believe. That truth comes with a price that he was glad to pay because he was looking out for me. He did not want anything to happen to me and that action was truly unconditional. 

The blessing of eternal union

Now before us are two hearts, woven in the fabric of time and space. Destined to find each other and brought together by the creator of all.

I ask for the powers that be to see this union with the eyes of eternal love and hope. That two trinities become one through the salvation of life and unconditional energy of truth.

As the wind blows through the tree and the season move through timeless measure so does the bond between the souls of two that have found each other.

And though time itself is a force that cannot be overcome, so shall the love between hearts become a natural wonder in it own dimension.

Let all that witness this union of life see the
example of ever-flowing feeling eternal. Let those
that have doubt in there being see this fantastic
transformation first hand.

Nothing can stop what is meant to be and what is
meant to be and shall always be, is part of
the great plan only seen through the eyes of the divine.

Love  has no explanation, no bounds.
It is with your spirit do you connect with the life blood
of that person you call your own and forever will that
energy flow through the universe.

For now it is your time to embark on the journey
of happiness and contentment. Let your your journey
be seamless and smooth.

Take care of each other, support each other
and understand that when nothing else is more
powerful than the relationship you have at your
times of need.

Always remember, that those who love you
will support the decision you have made today
and trust that the creator of all smiles and blesses
your union with great joy.

Argus, Epic

Argus a journey and epic an event
I knew this from the beginning
I said what I meant

Let me tell you the story of parallel lives
At least what I thought
Look through my eyes

All I ever wanted in one person
Instead what I got was a lesson from the universe

I promise you this
I don't understand what I got
The behavior and emotion experience weren't mine



Everything hate and rage without a word
Not even sure if it was something I deserved

It started off, a boy and his dog
That found me when I was lost and caught in a fog

From that point a week will pass
Best week in my life
Heart heavy... it did not last

Little did I know I would have doubt
A path someone else was so sure about

Three months of talking came to head
Coming back to a person I wanted to see again

I thought him beautiful.. like looking at a dimension functional and useful

I learned so much,intrigued in every way 
I was lied to almost each and every day

A journey such as this is hard to say
That is why it will not be finished today

Fluidity Emotion (No Love Mix)

It is just past 3pm and it has rained for days
It took at least that long to contain the rage

So many events that has moved through my heart
The rain wasted no time to finally start

I always understood the rain knew more than me
It rained during the day my loves wasn't meant to be

Everyone laughed and had hate for me
Questions the rain could not answer for me

And I have no money, nothing to trade
No answers are given, no atonement made

No  blood, no fowl... That's what they say
No love, no loss.. Is it the same way

If this is true, I lost a great deal
My no love relationship was not even real

So how do you rationalize or comprehend
Something with no understanding came to an end

So the rain can't be finished
It must keep going
I don't want to know everything
But don't leave me not knowing

The question that drives
and yes I want to know
Did he love not or did he love me so

Not a childish game, the rain was aware
That is why weeks have past rain is everywhere

So here I am, remembering the past
Trying to understand why things did not last

So just like the rain the feeling comes and goes
Like someone told me, I will never know

But I would the reward still to come
To validate the battles that I have truly won

The war still ahead rages on
The rain by my side
See me to the next dawn

What am I supposed to do?(Dedicated to Mollie Olgin and Kristene Chapa)

Am I supposed to pray for my enemy now they have attacked two of my own? I do not feel righteousness. Instead I feel a dark hand inside my spirit and I welcome this entity with open arms.

Am I supposed to look the other way, have another march for justice and pretend that this action is satisfactory in my soul. This time I don't feel forgiving. 

Am I supposed to choose not to see the lack of empathy for our sisters that were hurt in the name of a cause that another found just. I bet this was all done in the name of God. 

Am I supposed to agree that hate was not felt as the bullets moved through the grey matter in the minds of two that felt loving bonds and fluttering nights. 

Am I supposed to light another candle, another of my own murdered on the street. Dead...  Smile through the see of nameless faces probably looking and imagining the killer in front of my eyes.

Am I supposed to pretend that this does not affect me. Though I did not know my sisters personally I am family to them through a genetic marker that made us family. 

Am I supposed to grin, smile and bare it as if the community does not feel two energies less because it does.

Am I supposed to smile on a bright sunny day when I am obviously in the dark. It could be worse. I could be shot in the head alone in a park. 

Someone please tell me what I am supposed to do because I feel anguish in my heart because all of our lives are lessened by two.

My Gay Blessing

Blessed am I to be born this way
To be daring, open and naturally gay

And if you disagree is alright with me
I'm the one that must be comfortable and free

Don't be mad at the world because you didn't see the side of my emotions deemed to be angry


There is pride in my voice and strength in my heart
a little sorrow in my soul and a brain full of smarts 

One part is up.. one side is down a bit of me sideways.. my personality is a clown


But that's me not you at least that is true
To see where I am coming from
you have to know what I have been through

The fire of hell, the blessing of Gods
The knowledge of my spirit
Unbalanced and at odds

All of this journey just to understand
what is takes to be proud of this natural man

Am I supposed to be scared
Because you gave me a dare
I dare to be me, so you find that quite rare

I am getting pumped expressing how I feel
Let's end these words
Happy blessed, gay real

Poem and artwork by C.D. Kirven

Colpi Di Luce!

I looked out into the darkness and I saw a burst of light 

The night whispered "Colpi di Luce" Somewhere love unites

The evening was set on fire. You both were way to young

A promise gone to quickly... A life that had yet begun

How could you know what you've lost?  Or what you never got to see

My heart is softly broken.. for your unwritten destiny

And deep down that you know...your love...is not the only evidence

Love is the most valuable gift...you can give if you dare...it's a truth...that is at its best...when you find someone to share

The best of times and the worst if you're blessed enough to meet...the woman who makes you forget e-v-e-r-y...defeat

No one had the right, no one even knew. The love you had for her...belonged only to you

The courage you've displayed... has given us all hope!

Because in the face of death...Your bravery helps us to cope

Why did this happen? The world is so cruel.

But, in the humongous loss...I promise this to you

I will fight forever and I promise not to forget!  Your pain is light leading my ascent.

We as a family...lost a shooting star..and our youth...should never be...afraid of who they are!

You dreams, your hope and your future is what we hope you see

And know the memories you both shared...will live pass this tragedy

Warriors of Anonymity

An enlightened mind and unseen face
holds the power to the world's fate

Known and seen by divine beings
not comprehended by our combined needing


New world order, old world rule
still the same faces of something quite new


A battle is raged on the ethereal plane
created by networks, servers, computers and fame 

And we are nothing more than roles we play
and most of us can't see the dawn to the next day

The power we hold is in our hands
money is corruptible in the hands of men

but we who have the nameless face
is blessed with the curse to heal the human race

We are all, then nothing
Here and not there
No matter where you don't look, we are everywhere

And the games we play are serious indeed
Imps in the cog of the wheel that spawns global greed

All that have the concept of everything
Fear what you can't have
The truth of nothing

And those that have nothing is more than you can fathom
be scared of the faceless ones the shadowy phantom

The Love Star's Oracle

I see distant cosmic radiation of parallel energies

Glowing pulsating masses of fusion
that does nothing but send my
high minded subconscious into the next dimension 

Radiant does not describe the everlasting
streams of stardust and blue dwarfs
that guides my heart in sub-spacial waves

I saw through my naked eye
the form of a nuclear nebula
and felt a new zodiac in the breakers a new universe

Creation, no more infinite and responsible as destruction or resurrection 

It moves me, it moves through me
this surge of light-speed
transforming from matter into subatomic particles

My heart awaits
I am here in the center of creation
Do you dare deny the nature of the universe itself

Do you dare fly in the face of emptiness to reach me

If so, give me a sign
and I shall move all that is heaven
and rewrite all that quantum

No more relative and rational space
Begone and allow imaginary variables
to give me what I wish the most

Infinite possibility

More than words on a page: Roughhousing

I don't know what happened the last night. It is all a blur really. Funny how things seems to turn out that way. From the time I stepped into this sleaze motel things went from bad to worse. Mark called the police because of his precious machine. The thing he loves more than anything else. There is no mistake that before me or any trick bitch that he shags with, his first love will always be that damn computer. It does not matter what computer it is there has been so many.

The policeman told us we had to separate which is not a bad thing at this point. I am sure he will make his way back to Sandy's place now that the "lying nigger" is not with him. He grabbed up his broken piece of love and left out the door. Alone, I am use to it I guess. He is always somewhere and like a good little puppy I say yes to my white master signifying that I am ok with his actions. 

A door closes and a window opens is the saying right? Now that Mark left there a sense of relief and a feeling of anger. I have to curb this emotion somehow and there is nothing like finally getting the sex you want from someone that halfway finds you decent. I decided to see what Billy was doing. Actually, he has given me so many names it is not even funny. I will take the side of intelligence for a moment and say that Billy is not his real name but I have been talking to him before I came for this visit in East Point. He said he wants and I am not denying him the privilege. Besides, it will be interesting to see what Billy is all about. 

Now we have the waiting game. I am one of the few people that can party and be on time for an appointment. I am sure he will  be late so I have plenty of time to clean myself up. I wonder what Billy is like. I know he is a pretty horny guy when he is on the prowl. I remember when I talked to him on the phone one day while in Aiken and he was on a date waiting for a guy to come downstairs. He wanted to talk dirty on the phone and I have to admit, I am at my sexual best when I am partying. I don't really feel open when I am not doing any tina. 

Wow, he is three hours late. I guess that is better than not answering the phone at all. At least I got some rest I don't want to seem like some sort of animal when he shows up. I wonder how Mark is doing like I really have to be concerned. He always lands on his feet and give little care about me now that his toy is broken. 

knock, knock, knock

He's here. At least he is a man of his word. I almost stumped my toe while trying to get the door open. My head was down at first. The sunlight almost blinded me. I looked up and he is very nice looking. Highlighted hair, about my height wearing these gym pants and sandals. He was definitely nice looking. It was me I was more worried about. 

"Hi, your Grant right?" He asked me.

"Yeah come on in."

I had no choice but to compliment him. "You are nice looking."

"You are not bad yourself." He said

I have a feeling that he is not a big talker. He grabs my head and kisses me. He is being very rough with me. He is turning me around and rubbing his cock on my ass. He pushes me on the bed and jumps on me. He has me in a bear hug and not letting go. He is wrestling with me on the bed. This is something I never expected. He is a beast. Someone to finally match me on level. He is taking off my shirt with such urgency and passion. I barely can get my hands through the sleeves.

Smack!

He is slapping my chest with his bare hands. Now he is pounding my chest like he is hoping it would hurt but no matter how he hits me, this body was made to take pain. I tried to get up but he pushes me back on bed. He is ripping off my pants. I guess no one can ever say that this guy is boring .

More than words on a page: Danger by the roadside

"Get out of here before I kill you! What you doing car blocking people man?" That's what he said.

My heart pumps with fear as my head is turning from side to side. Shock runs through my body. I never expected anyone to want to kill me for standing on a street corner. I damn sure don't know why he wants to hurt me but I wish Keith would hurry up. Who am I kidding he is not coming. This was all a plan to get me far away from him and Mark or whatever the hell they are doing. How did I end up in this situation where I have to relay on my enemy for help? Keith does not want me anywhere near where he lives and this whole fiasco proves it. 


"Man you better start walking this direction!" Is what he shouted as he pointed south down the divided street.


"Hurry up mother fucker!" 


I started walking. Faster and faster I sped up my pace as he follows behind me in that four door dark colored sedan. I am so worn out from partying with Mark and not having anything to eat. If Keith would have just let me in the door when I went back for my cell phone, Mark and I would have had a chance to talk instead of me being without communication or anyway to get in contact with anybody. I am sure they probably find this funny while they are having an tina filled orgy where ever they may be. 


"And you keep walking mother fucker and don't you stop. If I catch you here again I will kill you!"


Those words ring in my ears as fear keeps my body going. I am completely vulnerable. I thought about being abrasive and cunning but I do not have the energy to come up with a plan or to fight off this aggressive asshole if he attacks me.

I trying to think of anyway to not get killed. A cement divider in the road. If I can cross it he won't have time to catch me because he has to go far up the road to the light to turn around. It is worth a shot. He is slowing down but this thug can shoot me at any time and I am not going to die today. He has already vowed to kill me. Back and forth my eyes look in anticipation for the right moment to breakaway so I can cross the lanes of traffic. Finally I see it. I ran with all the energy I had left to the cement divider. 

"Where you going mother fucker!" The thug shouted.

I crawled over the divider in time. His car just past the point where I made it over so he must be making his way to the light to turn around. I have no time to waste. I have to cross this street to the other side.Then I climb up the hill into the woods where he can't find me.

No traffic is coming. God help me please. Give me the strength to get away. 


I took a deep breath and exhaled. I'm running with all the energy I can muster to the other side of the road. I grabbed the branch of the first tree I could hold onto and climbed the straw covered hill with all my might. I made it half way up but I did not stop until I was certain I was out of sight from the road. With every strong breath that comes from my exhausted body I counted and hoped that he did not see where I entered into the woods. Finally, I climbed to the top of the hill to find myself in a small abandoned corporate complex parking-lot.

Like some sort of wild animal looking for prey I am crouched down on the ground. It's silent and I don't see anybody. I made my way to the large trash dumpster and waited for a moment. Somehow I have to make my way to the structure in the middle of the parking-lot without anyone seeing me. I took another deep breath and worked my way to the right side of the building.

I see a SUV which means someone has got to be here. I knocked on the doors but my knocks went unanswered. I can't take the chance of shouting just in case someone could be in earshot. I made my way around to the other side of the building and saw another SUV. It was parked in some sort of loading space. I ducked behind it hoping that nobody saw me.

How did all this happen?  What is going? This can't be real. First I was waiting on Keith to pick me up, then this asshole said he is going to kill me. Now I find myself running for my life hiding behind buildings.

stomp, stomp, stomp


What is that sound? Sounds like someone is coming this way fast in a hurry. They're stomping their feet on the pavement so loud I can hear them coming a mile away. I crouched down behind the SUV but just enough to look through the window to see the parking lot. This young black guy shows up out of the blue with a bag in this hand. He is making his way to another dumpster at the edge of the parking.

"And good ridden mother fucker!" He said angrily as threw the bag in the dumpster. After he did that he spit on the ground and made his way back from where he came from. It was like he was spitting on someone's grave. Crazy is as crazy does and there is too many crazy people out here today.

I'm scanning the parking lot for a way out but I am trapped in. I can't go left because of that crazy fucker that just went to the dumpster might see me. I can't leave out the parking lot to the main road just in the case that other fucker that threatened my life is looking for me. My only chance is to cross the parking-lot, down the hill, cross over the railroad tracks to another complex. That should be enough distance form the where this nightmare first started.

The power of yes

Yes, I feel you and there is no denying I'm built from you. Yes, I mean what I mean that nothing on sun's Earth can move my words once my mind has come to the fulfilling conclusion. Yes I am for , yes I do too. Yes I thought about you many time and nothing still makes my mind distracted in such daring ways.

Yes you are right, yes love your sight. Yes I see the what others did not want to in the star's night. Yes there is no contest, yes you are the best and I would not have anything any other way.

Yes I heard your every word and yes I took them to memory for no other words have hurt and healed me in quite the same way. Yes I love, yes I adore you and yes forever I say your name only if dawns allows me to open my eyes for no matter the power my love is truth of nature still dwarfs me.

Yes I understand what you mean and yes I am not scared to admit that yes is so powerful only because no meant something was beyond my power of yes. Limits, boundaries and conditions are the no to the divine yes in the linear now and I see the choice of me.

The family that lies together

I spy, I  feel a lie
A family that conspires
Is a family that cries

I choose not to play
A game that has no end to the days

Always in character
for no one's benefit
The young dead bastard

I got enough of this method
For a lover of my life
Another unconditional deficit

Always in the mix
Always a step ahead
Always in my business
Don't ask for the wishes in my head

I keep my mouth closed...Talking does nothing more than make you vulnerable exposed


Left alone is better still.. if you try and hurt to bend my will


And I don't wish to hear the words of someone that wish to lie on the verge


Is it better to stay or stand still
A truth stays put
A lie runs at will

I hear the calling of my anger
I slice through space time to quench the dark matter

How many tons of TNT does it take to rearrange my anatomy

Meaning, I was just over my dread until a family that lies is a family not said

Inward Beauty

Now your outward beauty is much admire
But your inward beauty is more desired

Your spirit, your mind and your personality
Makes you a beauty force in a powerful trinity

How do I know this, I will tell you the reason
I know my own self like I know the change in the seasons







To know your own spirit is the first step
It's a must if you want to spirits to connect

Well let me explain some things my spirit felt from you and you tell me if these things aren't true

When you walk in a room people begin to smile
They can sense your energy coming from a mile

You become quiet and isolated with troubled
So I stay away and support you in a way that is subtle

You believe in being thy neighbor and being a brother's keeper
But you have the ability to know a deceiver

The wonders of the world are open and wide
Your eyes are open and from you they can't hide

Your stern and disciplined but that's ok
Strong foundations are paved that way

Those are a few things
I have one more question for you
Why do you not believe those things to be true

You say that you are ugly
Did someone tell you that
I need to find that person so I can pay them back

You say that people don't like you
I don't understand
There's a crowd cheering for you
A stand full of fans

You say you have not accomplished your goals in life
Wasn't your goal to do what was right

You have become sad, sullen and down on yourself
Somewhere in the past you put the real you on the shelf

Well, I spoke from my spirit
I spoke from my mind
Please don't skip the last parts of these lines

Don't listen to anyone and what they have to say
Lots of times they want to block and hinder your way

And that goes for me
I'm no exception
You are the only one with the power to change your perception

Don't be scared to discover every part of you
And remember these words
To thy own self be true

Now, go and start your journey
You are the only one who can
Remember no matter what
Your inner beauty will stand

The freedom of me

I just want to be me, free and all the things in-between. The things I do not see is not the fault of my eyes but of my being that cannot realize that spiritual is most important of all freedoms. What is freedom anyway? An indigent servant is not a slave but a man that wants to be free from the debt of the world. Am I a slave to freedom personified?

Freedom never told me about the sorrow or scars of pain upon my being that comes with the responsibility of woe. I never asked.  When I looked at freedom I told him that anyplace is better than where I am in my soul and he allowed me to move earth and space to see freedom in the face.


I see beyond getting a little freedom. Is that really freedom when the task masters move the fence back? Jump over the fence and be your own person if you want to. We will see how free your ass is when you are standing alone out on the ledge with only one choice in your good graces.

Freedom stands with brave men who are not brave because they did not feel fear. They are brave because they acted in spite of it. Is my bravery calculated in the unconditional payment one is obligated to when on the path of freedoms run?

When I am beaten down I am free, when I am unbalanced I am free, when I am not whole I am free. When all these conventions of chaos comes to complete form I turn to Lords of Order, for all these elements together; broken to whole makes up the freedom of me.

Unleashed (Unconditional Mix)

I'm pissed....I'm tired this round
Straws are getting cut and camels are going down

I use my power and use my gift
But to tell you the truth I am just fucking pissed

So I will give you what you want in pure unconditional form
And Katrina is nothing compared to this storm

And because I care about you.. I will destroy all you think you know
Just to be sure that you really didn't know

Now, what goes around comes around is true
But you're so blinded, do you know where the hell are you
If you don't know the go around is throw and you are in the come around
But I am sure that you already knew

And since you knew that I am sure you realized
That between coming and going you affect other people's lives

and if you are not happy, not even content with your life
I wonder who you hurt to cause so much strife

Did I make you made, you thought you were good people
Last time I checked those results belong to evil people

Why don't you use your logic
Why don't you sure your brain
Emotions get in the way
I know it will be a strain

Speaking of in the way I already proved you wrong
Didn't you hear it
In the truthful verses of this poem

Oh yes, to make sure your lack of knowledge is evident
Have you ever looked up the words perception and ignorance

Now I am not going to tell you how to change your life
I know what it takes to win this fight

I know the answer, I have seen it in action
But I am being spiteful and that is my reaction

You see, when I tried to tell you before
You told me to be quiet and say no more

And further more you thought I was crazy
Insulting me
Thinking my gifts were lazy

And I come to walk a path to give you the equations to solve your spiritual math

But when I tried you thought I was funny
See my eggs are sunny side up and your eggs are runny

So I come to the decision that you don't deserve the knowledge I come to splurge

I will never tell you....The moment has past
I will never tell you...Now matter how many times you ask

Now some of you thinking I am wrong and some of you reading the lines of this poem

If I don't give wholeheartedly.. Isn't that truly a lack of generosity

Now for some of you with lessons to find
the answers you need were between the lines

And for those of you that did not get the lesson
Farewell and God speed... You have to guess on your blessing