Love transaction

As I sit here sifting through the memories in my mind
Hoping that the love I had was something worth to find

Knowing its value was unconditional to me
Realizing the product's condition is worse than it could be

Seeing with blinders what was real
That I paid for something that someone would steal

Telling myself why waist my time
When I look at a person
I should have never towed a line



A transaction done not worth the effort
A gift is given
You don't pay for a present

I knew a long time ago what to expect
I guess that is why they call a fool a person who regrets

A lie is worth a million dollars
The is true is worth a million hollers
And a debt is something you can't pay
When you been bled by love's expensive stay

I've been told love comes at a price
It can steal your soul like a thief in the night

And all the shit about love that fits
I believe it to be true if one can admit

Where pain is the real price for love
A transaction not always from heaven above

What is the harm my love

Enclosed in the pure sight of two that need no clothes is the vision of someone that brings ease to the eyes of night

I summoned him like a evil Jin from the lamp of Aladdin with the hope that he would grant me a wish

One wish of true love that is beautiful meaning boundless as the nebula moves from end of the universe to the other,

As Apollo moves the sun from east to west
and back again so did I ask such a divine request

What is the harm in wanting the love that finally found you

What is the harm in wanting that love to finally be true

What is the harm in being whatever you can so
that the love will not harm you in destiny's plan

I see no reason for love to treat me in any other way 
but only something divine can stop one of its own

Only a dream can stop a dream and only wish
can alter a wish

Only anger can stop love and only truth can
cease all

So I ask my Jin one last time to not harm the
one that wanted to see him happy and free
and to grant the wish he promised to me

More than words on a page :Truth of perception

My  fear is something that I did not want to admit too because for once in my so-called unique life I wanted to believe in new beginnings and possibilities. I wanted to believe in the person that I met four years ago and wanted to believe that Mark wanted the same thing that I wanted from the same honest altruistic point.

What a fucking surprise that my silver lining and grey clouds were created and adorned from the same yearning and wanting to be with him. The conflicts that we endured now seem comical as I look at him sleeping next to me but in no way are they irrelevant and in no way can anyone understand the person he is.

There are doubts within me about the person that he says he is but the only question I can relay to anyone asking about Mark is; Do you really know him?  I know the person that fed me when I had nothing to eat and put a roof over my head when I could not help financially. I know the person that bought my shoes when I wore a hole to soles of my feet. I am not blinded by lust or maneuvered  by caution to protect the person that he is..  I am overshadowed in lies and confusion.

I know the Mark that rescued eight people  As much as I felt hurt and taken for a fool and played for a sucker don't anyone ever think that the experiences that I went through with this man was  not needed, enlightening and life-changing.

I was not even sure I wanted to see him again because of the fear of conflict inside of my spirit that I did not want to admit too.  I have felt all capabilities of what this man is and through him I finally reached a point of being more real and myself than I have ever been.

20th July Creation

The 20th July a day of creation
Energy of life is God's radiation


And moving through a vessel of flesh
That no one dares to care about next

Suddenly eyes have been awakened
To find a life 35-years forsaken

Misguided a fool and used as a tool
But no one understands why life is so cruel

So we sit and laugh, hoping the pain
Will subside for one day, a day of endless rain





And there are no falling stars, no wishing well
Just a day of pure isolated concentrated hell

Funny how a day that wants to be forgotten
A day of creation can seem so rotten

Alone...stuck.. under a rock
To sit in the dark and watch the clock

A natural force that passed so slow
Is now fast unwinding to life's painful show

So one more year in one more day
So on more life can pass way

Gay Power

I sit in my room, my ears in tune
The march of a gay revolution will be coming soon

My heart has no fear, my gay family is near
And we will win this fight on this globe Earth sphere

Beware our power, we stand with might
Ready to die in the battle we fight

And no cause is greater than the goal of freedom
The right to be protected in this United States kingdom

Democracy, capitalism Republican buffoonery
Fuckery, crazy Odyssey, immense dipshitery



Do you expect me to stay in the darkness of the closet
When I hear the dawn of a revolution is upon us

I'll do my part and stand my ground
And no Zimmermans will kill a black man this time around

Which means, give me liberty or death
No justice for gay people means no justice left

Or we will bring down the house like the 5th of November
Read your history if you want to remember

So all gay people, men and women
reading these words
Stand up, be seen, let your voice be heard

Because silence today will not set us free
Inequality is a lock and action is a key

More than words on a page: Courage in the truth

Now that I have nothing but time on my hands, I sit and think a lot about the past and what has been. Whoever said that you can't change the past is inevitably and undoubtedly right. What has already been can never be changed and why would you want to. I have no reason to change the past that make up the person I am because, I guess the best way to put it; I could end up worse than what I am now. Not to say there is anything wrong with who or what I am, but after the last encounter with Mark, thoughts are the treasured value that guides me through a sea of trees because it is damn sure hard for me to see the world for the beauty that it has.

I am scanning my memories trying to remember a time when things in my life were a little more pure, a little more simple and a little bit happier. I remember this guy who's name seems to elude me for some reason but his face is still in my mind. His face was white, slender, a little pale, his lips were thin and his eyes were sad. God, I have not even thought about him in fifteen years or so. I still remember how we met. 

Back then, before Adam4Adam and BBRT, everybody went on Gay.com. I was just discovering what the internet was for. Coming into the knowledge of my sexuality I wanted to find others that wanted the same thing I wanted. Being that young I discovered that sex was a main objective but through that particular experience with this guy, I discovered lots more. We only met one time in a Waffle House. He was scared to meet but truly wanted to go through the trouble of talking with me. When I talked to him online I got the feeling he was someone that can understand what I was looking for, that is why I decide to meet him. 

I got to the Waffle House first. I wanted to be sure I got a window seat so I can see him coming from a mile away. He called me on the cell phone to see if I was already there and of course I told him where I was sitting. We had our greeting and he ordered a tea. I had orange juice. Isn't funny what one can remember. His name escapes me but I can remember what he had to drink. I did find him attractive and I wanted to have sex with him. I remember that even more. He wasn't in the mood. He said that he had cancer. He was feeling the complications of the medicines and treatments that he had been living through. 

There was hardly no silence between us during our mini-adventure together. We talked for several hours, though I can't recall what we joked and laughed about. Out of all the minutes we spent together, I don't regret not having sex with him because he gave me something more special than I could ask for. He gave me the truth. After I made some joke he looked deep in my eyes and held my hand. 

He said, "Grant remember when I told you that I did not want to play because I had cancer?"

"Of course I remember," I acknowledged.

"Well, I don't have cancer. I have AIDS," He whispered to me.

I remember telling him that I was educated and not afraid as some others would be. That's when he admitted his fear to me. He didn't want to be judged and I was in no position to judge him. In fact being wiser and a little more worldly, I now understand he should be praised. He gave me the thing that money can't buy and quick gratification can't hold a candle too. He showed me what I was looking for in my nature and in other people. He confirmed all that a eighteen year old boy should believe. That truth comes with a price that he was glad to pay because he was looking out for me. He did not want anything to happen to me and that action was truly unconditional. 

The blessing of eternal union

Now before us are two hearts, woven in the fabric of time and space. Destined to find each other and brought together by the creator of all.

I ask for the powers that be to see this union with the eyes of eternal love and hope. That two trinities become one through the salvation of life and unconditional energy of truth.

As the wind blows through the tree and the season move through timeless measure so does the bond between the souls of two that have found each other.

And though time itself is a force that cannot be overcome, so shall the love between hearts become a natural wonder in it own dimension.

Let all that witness this union of life see the
example of ever-flowing feeling eternal. Let those
that have doubt in there being see this fantastic
transformation first hand.

Nothing can stop what is meant to be and what is
meant to be and shall always be, is part of
the great plan only seen through the eyes of the divine.

Love  has no explanation, no bounds.
It is with your spirit do you connect with the life blood
of that person you call your own and forever will that
energy flow through the universe.

For now it is your time to embark on the journey
of happiness and contentment. Let your your journey
be seamless and smooth.

Take care of each other, support each other
and understand that when nothing else is more
powerful than the relationship you have at your
times of need.

Always remember, that those who love you
will support the decision you have made today
and trust that the creator of all smiles and blesses
your union with great joy.

Argus, Epic

Argus a journey and epic an event
I knew this from the beginning
I said what I meant

Let me tell you the story of parallel lives
At least what I thought
Look through my eyes

All I ever wanted in one person
Instead what I got was a lesson from the universe

I promise you this
I don't understand what I got
The behavior and emotion experience weren't mine



Everything hate and rage without a word
Not even sure if it was something I deserved

It started off, a boy and his dog
That found me when I was lost and caught in a fog

From that point a week will pass
Best week in my life
Heart heavy... it did not last

Little did I know I would have doubt
A path someone else was so sure about

Three months of talking came to head
Coming back to a person I wanted to see again

I thought him beautiful.. like looking at a dimension functional and useful

I learned so much,intrigued in every way 
I was lied to almost each and every day

A journey such as this is hard to say
That is why it will not be finished today

Fluidity Emotion (No Love Mix)

It is just past 3pm and it has rained for days
It took at least that long to contain the rage

So many events that has moved through my heart
The rain wasted no time to finally start

I always understood the rain knew more than me
It rained during the day my loves wasn't meant to be

Everyone laughed and had hate for me
Questions the rain could not answer for me

And I have no money, nothing to trade
No answers are given, no atonement made

No  blood, no fowl... That's what they say
No love, no loss.. Is it the same way

If this is true, I lost a great deal
My no love relationship was not even real

So how do you rationalize or comprehend
Something with no understanding came to an end

So the rain can't be finished
It must keep going
I don't want to know everything
But don't leave me not knowing

The question that drives
and yes I want to know
Did he love not or did he love me so

Not a childish game, the rain was aware
That is why weeks have past rain is everywhere

So here I am, remembering the past
Trying to understand why things did not last

So just like the rain the feeling comes and goes
Like someone told me, I will never know

But I would the reward still to come
To validate the battles that I have truly won

The war still ahead rages on
The rain by my side
See me to the next dawn

What am I supposed to do?(Dedicated to Mollie Olgin and Kristene Chapa)

Am I supposed to pray for my enemy now they have attacked two of my own? I do not feel righteousness. Instead I feel a dark hand inside my spirit and I welcome this entity with open arms.

Am I supposed to look the other way, have another march for justice and pretend that this action is satisfactory in my soul. This time I don't feel forgiving. 

Am I supposed to choose not to see the lack of empathy for our sisters that were hurt in the name of a cause that another found just. I bet this was all done in the name of God. 

Am I supposed to agree that hate was not felt as the bullets moved through the grey matter in the minds of two that felt loving bonds and fluttering nights. 

Am I supposed to light another candle, another of my own murdered on the street. Dead...  Smile through the see of nameless faces probably looking and imagining the killer in front of my eyes.

Am I supposed to pretend that this does not affect me. Though I did not know my sisters personally I am family to them through a genetic marker that made us family. 

Am I supposed to grin, smile and bare it as if the community does not feel two energies less because it does.

Am I supposed to smile on a bright sunny day when I am obviously in the dark. It could be worse. I could be shot in the head alone in a park. 

Someone please tell me what I am supposed to do because I feel anguish in my heart because all of our lives are lessened by two.

My Gay Blessing

Blessed am I to be born this way
To be daring, open and naturally gay

And if you disagree is alright with me
I'm the one that must be comfortable and free

Don't be mad at the world because you didn't see the side of my emotions deemed to be angry


There is pride in my voice and strength in my heart
a little sorrow in my soul and a brain full of smarts 

One part is up.. one side is down a bit of me sideways.. my personality is a clown


But that's me not you at least that is true
To see where I am coming from
you have to know what I have been through

The fire of hell, the blessing of Gods
The knowledge of my spirit
Unbalanced and at odds

All of this journey just to understand
what is takes to be proud of this natural man

Am I supposed to be scared
Because you gave me a dare
I dare to be me, so you find that quite rare

I am getting pumped expressing how I feel
Let's end these words
Happy blessed, gay real

Poem and artwork by C.D. Kirven

Colpi Di Luce!

I looked out into the darkness and I saw a burst of light 

The night whispered "Colpi di Luce" Somewhere love unites

The evening was set on fire. You both were way to young

A promise gone to quickly... A life that had yet begun

How could you know what you've lost?  Or what you never got to see

My heart is softly broken.. for your unwritten destiny

And deep down that you know...your love...is not the only evidence

Love is the most valuable gift...you can give if you dare...it's a truth...that is at its best...when you find someone to share

The best of times and the worst if you're blessed enough to meet...the woman who makes you forget e-v-e-r-y...defeat

No one had the right, no one even knew. The love you had for her...belonged only to you

The courage you've displayed... has given us all hope!

Because in the face of death...Your bravery helps us to cope

Why did this happen? The world is so cruel.

But, in the humongous loss...I promise this to you

I will fight forever and I promise not to forget!  Your pain is light leading my ascent.

We as a family...lost a shooting star..and our youth...should never be...afraid of who they are!

You dreams, your hope and your future is what we hope you see

And know the memories you both shared...will live pass this tragedy